Here we go! Post #1

This is an effort to break the silence.  I have attempted, and failed, many times to consistently journal, write, or blog. This just might be another try, one to add to my collection of unfinished endeavors.  I do not finish many things. 

Most of the books on my shelves are just chapters away from being finished.

Most of the sketches in my notebook are partially complete.

Most of my artistic ideas stop short in my head and never make their way to creation.

Why?  I find in myself not only an inability to complete anything, but almost a desire to leave it unfinished.  To me, the lack of fulfillment often seems more right than its fruition.  Imagination is easier to grasp than sensation, fiction easier to dwell in than reality.  I cannot always believe in beautiful realism, but find myself adding transience to all that blesses me. 

Someone says: “I love you.”

And I reply: “What a beautiful notion.”

Good is lost to me.  Beauty is an idea, not a truth.  Desire is a lack that needs filling, not longing with purpose attached. 

This is wrong and I know it, but which way do I go from here?  I believe in God, I believe in his love.  He is the only one who keeps me from giving up entirely.  But I do not always accept Him or His love.  It is one thing to believe in something, it is another thing entirely to accept it. 

He says: “I love you.”

And I reply: “What a beautiful notion.” 

But this love is not a notion, it is a reality.  Not only am I constantly surrounded by evidence of his love, but he has also placed that very love within me.  So why the struggle?

C.S. Lewis wisely said that the lens through which we see God is our whole self.  So if that self is smudged in sin, jarred, or broken, we do not see God clearly.  I guess my lens is a little clouded.  There is a lot of pain here, a lot of brokenness, a lot of sin, a lot of incompleteness.  But He is making me complete.  I am being made whole, day by day; it is a long process.  It is a process that I will undergo my entire life. 

The beautiful truth is that I have all of eternity to heal, and to be in the presence of God.  So here I am, writing in order to break the silence.  So much of what is inside me is kept silent. 

Someone once told me that God’s will in our life is like a GPS.  “No matter how lost you get.” He said. “God directs you right from where you are; you don’t have to go backwards to the place where you were before you were lost.  He reroutes you from where you are at right now.”  I thought this to be a pretty corny analogy at first, but honestly, it is perfect. 

You may consider me to be in a state of constant rerouting.  The destination towards which I stumble is also unknown to me.  But so long as God is the one calling me there, I will not fear.  I will also not be disheartened by how lost I may be at any given point in time.  He has promised to never leave me, and any step (or fall) in the right direction is worth celebrating. 

So maybe you will read this and find in it some relief.  We are all broken vessels.  Your cracks may be different than mine, but the point is that we are all incomplete.  Open your hands, give up the charade, and let pain come. 

For all in which we find reason for pain, we will find an even greater reason for His redemption.  Redemption is sweet.